You.Can.Live.Your.Dream.

I don't know what that dream is that you have. I don't care how disappointing it might had been as you are working toward that dream. That that dream that you are holding in your mind, that it's possible. That some of you already know that it's hard. It's not easy. It is hard changing your life. That in the process of working on your dreams, you are going to incur a lot of disappointment. A lot of failure. A lot of pain. There are moments when you are going to doubt yourself. You are gonna think "God, why is this happening to me? I am just trying to take care of my children and my mother, I am not trying to steal or rob from anybody. Why does that have to happen to me?" For those of you that have experienced some hardships, don't give up on your dream. The bad times are gonna come, but they have not come to stay, they have come to pass.

Greatness is not this wonderful, exoteric, elusive, God-life feature that only the special among us will ever taste, you know, it is something that truly exists, in all of us. It is very important for you to believe that you are the one. Most people, they raise a family, they earn a living and then they die. They stop growing, they stop working on themselves, they stop stretching, they stop pushing themselves. That a lot of people like to complain, but they don't wanna do anything about their situation. And most people don't work on their dreams. Why? One is because of failure. The fear of failure. "What if things don't work out?" And the fear of success. "What if they do and I can't handle it? These are not risk takers.

You spend so much time with other people. You spend so much time trying to get people to like you. You know other people more than you know yourself. You studied them, you know about them, you wanna hang out like them, you wanna be just like them. And you know what, you have been investing so much time in them you don't even know who you are. I challenge you to spend time by yourself.

It is necessary that you get the losers outta your life if you want to live your dream. But for people who are running toward their dreams, life has a special kind of meaning. When you become the right person, what you do is you start separating yourself from other people, you begin to have a certain uniqueness, as long as you are not following another people, as long as you ain't being a copycat. You won't never ever be the best copycat in the world, but you will be the best you could be. I am challenging you to de(re)define your values.

That everybody won't see it, that everybody won't join you, that everybody won't have the vision. It is necessary to know that. That you are an uncommon breed. It is necessary that you align yourself with people that attract people into your business. Who are hungry. People who are unstoppable and unreasonable. People who are refusing to live life just as it is, and who want more.

That people that are living there dream are attracting winners to attach themselves to. The people that are living their dreams are the people that know that if it is going to happen, it is up to them.

If you wanna be more successful, if you wanna have and do stuff that you ain't never done before, number 1 thing that I am asking is to invest in you. To invest in you. Someone's opinion of you does not have to become your reality. That you don't have to go through life being a victim. That even though you face disappointments, you have to know within yourself, that "I can do this even if no one else sees it from me, Imma see it for myself."

"This is what I believe, and I am willing to die for it. Period." No matter how bad it is, or how bad it gets, I'm going to make it. I wanna represent an idea, I wanna represent possibilities. As some of you right now, you wanna be, you know what I'm saying, you wanna go to the next level. I wanna counsel, I wanna be an engineer, I wanna be a doctor.. Listen to me, you can't get to that level, you can't get to that level economically where you wanna be until you start investing in your mind. You are not reading books? I'm challenging you to go to congresses. I dare you to invest time. I dare you to be alone. I dare you to spend an hour getting to know yourself. 

When you become who you are, when you become the person that you are created to be; designed to be who you are designed to be, when you become an individual, what you do is you take yourself and you start separating yourself from other people. I challenge you to go to a place where people don't like you and don't even bother you no more. Why? Because you are not concerned with how to make them happy, because you are trying a little more, you are trying to get to the next level. I need you to invest in your mind. To invest in your mind. But you are still talking about your dream, but you are still talking about your goal. If you haven't done anything, just take the first step. 

That you can make your parents proud, you can make your school proud, you can touch millions of people's lives, and the world will never be the same again, because you came this way. Don't let nobody steal your dream. As we face a rejection, and a "no," and we have a meeting and no one shows up, or someone says "You can count on me," but they don't come through... Why is it that we have that kind of attitude? Because we possess. Nobody believes in you, you have lost again and again and again, the lights are cut off, but you are still looking at your dream, reviewing it every day and saying yourself "It is not over, until I win." 

You can live your dream.

And it Has Already Been One (Long and Great) Month

Why is it that as you grow older it seems like each day, week and month goes by in such an awfully fast speed?!

As I sit down to spend a couple minutes writing this post, it comes to mind that it has already been more than a month since I moved out. And just as I predicted before, it feels like everything is still new and that I am yet to find out and get used to many other things as well.

Classes started 3 weeks ago. The very two days were actually a little disappointing, however. First, you gotta make that whole effort to wake up and arrive at school. Once you are there, you assume that it would take you around 15 minutes in between getting lost and finally finding your classroom, but neh. I easily spent 40 minutes walking around those huge and old Italian buildings around "campus" (located in different streets of the city). By accident, then, you find out that one class had been canceled, or another transferred to another room in a completely different place or that your professor took 20 minutes to arrive to class and so on.

Talking about being late... I have noticed that Italians are always late. I mean, always. But their lateness works in a somehow different way. Italians are late not because they cannot manage their time well, like us Brazilians, usually do. Italians are late because they value saying a long goodbye to their husbands and wives before going to work. They do not say good morning to their neighbors and simply walk away. They have to first chat about how was last soccer game's score and what was up for the weekend. Italians think that it is more important to enjoy drinking their cappuccino, no matter how long it would take them to finish it, than rushing to arrive at their final destination. After all, life is all about priorities, isn't it?!

Likewise, I have noticed how 4 years in the U.S have changed my own concept of time and punctuality. Brazilians, in general, are always late. Lets say you have an appointment somewhere with someone at 10:30am. If being late to the appointment does not affect you (you would not risk being late to go see the doctor, once it would make you lose your place on his schedule, for example), you will leave home around 10:28! My parents used to be an exception to this case, though. Mom not so much, but dad is always on time, meaning that throughout my entire life, we would be the first ones to arrive to the restaurant, to the party, to the wedding.. But being late is not something seen as impolite or bad. In Brazil it is just acceptable. Or at least you expect others to be late as well. On the other hand, in America.. Hah! I still remember going to class during the first weeks and not understanding the point of having the professor arriving 15 minutes before class. Assuming his class started at 8:00 am, professor would awkardly stare at the students or impatiently look at the clock for those 15 minutes, as if he was counting the seconds until he was finally able to speak. 8:00am: "Good morning everyone. In today's class we are going to talk about.." Hahah that was great! (and weird...).

I feel like young Americans are not so punctual, but eventually they will become. American adults are generally always on time, and by the end, I was used to it and liked it. Even because whenever I was back home in Brazil, I would frequently argue with my friends about the fact that they were late every single time. "Why the F*** are you 25 minutes late.. Like, what were you doing before?" "Hey, chill out Isa, why being on time anyway?..," as they would answer. So, here in Italy, it seems like I need to get used to this so common lateness again. Anyway, after the first couple days, professors and students did decide to go to class in a more reasonable time, and it all got very interesting. At first, I tried to take 5 classes, but the university does it in such a way that there is no possible chance to take 5 classes without having one overlaping the other, as well as no possible way to have Mondays or Fridays free. Well, the best I could get was classes on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. No class on Wednesdays and Thursdays, which still made me happy.

Also, classes for my Masters are twice a week for a total of 5 hours, so this is another issue. After the first hour in the classroom, I am more paying attention to the professor's Italian accent than to what he is actually talking about. But the fact that all classes are beyond interesting and that students are overall smart and willing to discuss and learn makes up for it. I have also been trying to understand how their grading system works, which is still absolutely unclear to me. But in the meantime, as I did back in college, I have been doing my part. I attend class, participate, discuss and do some research on what I have just learned after I get back home. Already had a few presentations here and there, and the one that professor graded I got 30 out of 30, so, yeah, all good. Talking about presentations.. One of the great things this program has been teaching me is on how to deal and work with so many culturally diverse people. Most of the projects are in groups. One of the groups I have been working with is composed by me (a Brazilian who went to college in the U.S), a Romenian and three Germans, in which two of them had done their bachelors somewhere else. Man! The whole assignment was supposed to take  a one-day meeting, but we ended up spending 3 days discussing and arguing the way the project should have been done. It was stressful, but I kept thinking on how interesting it is to analyze the different ways they think and the way they do stuff.. I am sure the American or Brazilian way is not alike the German way, which in turn has even less to do with the Romanian way, and vice versa. Fact is, if you are gonna be working in such a diverse workforce in a multinational company or whatever, you are going to have to deal with these differences every time, so better be used to them now than later. Besides this one, I am also in this group where I am the only foreigner and the other 5 girls are Italians. Amazing. They are great and it feels good when we have to meet up to work on our projects while drinking cappucino, smoking cigaretes and eating croissaints outside the bar.

They ask me to speak English so they can practice and I ask them to speak Italian so I can practice. I like the exchange. Another interesting fact is to notice that most of these students (depending on the class, there might be 90% Italians and 10% foreigners. Other classes might just be the opposite), are going through the exact same situation as I did during the last 4 years. In the case of these girls from my group, for instance, they do speak English but sometimes they have to think before saying something or say it wrong or not even say anything because they don't know how to. So, as we were working on this presentation (which is about something very very simple and quick) they start like "omg, I don't want to present, or I am not sure how to explain this or say that.." Professor, at first, said it was fine to have only one person going up front and present, but he soon changed his mind to at least two people, so they had to decide who was gonna be the "unlucky" one to present the project with me. The girl chosen then called me to ask if I could help her out on what to say and how to explain her part of the slides. We then met up to practice it and I helped her simplify her sentences and explain her topics. This was 5 days before the presentation. My plan was to only look at the slides right before class, when I believe I would have time. The point is just that once you are finally able to speak the language and after doing thousands of presentations along the way, you simply don't care anymore.. It is just not a big deal. 

When you are still on that phase when you simply cannot communicate exactly what you want or what it comes to mind without having to think of it, however, presenting something in front of the class can be a hurdle. If the person also feels uncomfortable speaking in public, then that makes the situation even more difficult. After we were done practicing and she was feeling more confident, she thanked me 4 times and told me to go to her place to cook some pasta and drink wine one day. Hah, I am certainly stopping by, but just told her that it is an enormous pleasure to help because you relate their stories and situations to your own, and you understand exactly how it is to be in their shoes. That makes it even easier to help. You know what they need, what they are looking for, what kinds of things they need to hear to make them feel better or more encouraged...So, overall, the Masters program has been wonderful. I can never wait to go to class to see my friends, listen to my professors' accent, see what kinds of arguments me and my group will get ourselves into and listen to all the class discussions, once they provide me with a whole new "European perspective," from students coming from all over the world.

Other than that, I bought myself an old city bike to help me go places. Going to the supermarket is easier and faster now. Going to school now only takes me 20mins, but I am telling, it is a little dangerous. The shortest way goes through two big highways and I have the slight feeling that I will eventually end up being ran over by a car or a truck. I tell my parents the streets are calm and safe. Don't want to make them worry about me. That old saying "I am not lying, I am just omitting" is how I handle it with them. Sometimes you do want to tell what actually happened or how something actually is, but it would just make them freak out. I guess the worst feeling is the one when you are extremely worried about someone/something, but you are too far from that person/thing to have any control over, ultimately feeling powerless/not able to change a situation. So my goal is to never let them concerned about me. "Everything is fine and great around here.." 

Ok. Enough of writing for today. The latest news are that I went to Torino, Bologna and Genova (fell in love with all of them, of course) and am planning to make a day trip to Como Lake this weekend. Excited.

Had to pay a 25eur fee for using public transportation without the ticket (I did not know how it all worked before, so ok, it happens). Had to pay another 25eur fee (should have bought that goddamn 1.50 ticket before, stupid Isa..) a second time, even after trying to literally pretend to the police officer that I couldn't talk or listen. Well, it did not work out.

Cooking skills are improving. Could not have been any slower, but still improving. 

Someone stole my iPhone one night at a bar. You know, losing your boyfriend ain't a big deal, but losing three iPhones in 2 years can be very painful. No more iPhones then. I now have a shitty one, since I will probably lose it again soon. 

Windy, my dog, passed away yesterday night. How sad! It might be silly to say such a thing for a dog, but me and her did have great times together and she was the best dog a human being can ever ask for. I heard that my mom has been crying for the whole day back home, and curiously that was not my reaction. It seems like it is not true yet. Perhaps I will make sense of it when I return home and not see her jumping all over me, running all around and barking... in pure joy of my presence.

Milan and Italians still continue to delight me. Every single day. In love with very aspect of it.

The overwhelming and awfully AMAZING first 10 days in Milan

Oh man, from where do I start writing here..

It's been 10 days since I moved to Milan, but have you ever had that feeling that so much has happened that it feels more like 10 years instead of only 10 days? Yes, exactly how I feel right now.

The day I first arrived, for example, was just historical. My friend from Italy (the one I had been talking to for a while, through Facebook) did go pick me up at the airport. Looking back at it, I wonder if I would ever be able to do everything we did by myself. We caught the train, left my 2-unimaginably-heavy suitcases and my huge - and also ridiculously heavy - backpack and left them all at his place. Then the task was to find the office where I was supposed to grab the keys of my apartment. Walk walk walk. We got there by 7pm, when the lady was literally leaving to go back home. Well, we made her wait. Keys in hand, back to his place to grab my stuff. Walk walk walk. Car ride to finally find my apartment. Walk walk walk, ride ride ride. Jesus, I was dying. I was starving. I was tired. I was amused at every random building, person, park, car, dog, etc, etc., that my eyes captured along the day. I was overwhelmed. Too much information at the same time. It is hard to describe days like that one in a short paragraph, though. Try adding to it a whole lot of minor events that did make the day look like it was never going to end. It was i-n-t-e-n-s-e.

It was a hell of a long day, but in a good sense. That feeling that you have so many new things to catch up on that you can barely wait for the next hour of the day to come, so you are able to know what the next discoveries are going to be. Well, I believe it is been like this every day. And I am sure it will be like this during the next week, month or even months, and I am glad for that. By day 1, your whole life summarizes into two suitcases and a backpack, and nothing beyond that. But day after day, one after the other, you can clearly notice that you start getting familiar with the area you are located, you find out what kinds of stores there are near your place, you find out that here, when you go to the supermarket, you better bring your own plastic bags, otherwise you will have to hang bottles of water, apples and yogurts around your arms and hands; you finally learn, after much effort, trial, and error, how to use public transportation to go downtown and so on. I also like the fact it gives you a better sense of what you are; what you are capable of. Confidence is a great example. I am confident. Did not use to be when I was younger, but life experiences and personal achievements have made me an overall very confident person. Well, perhaps now this is not the way I have been feeling anymore. The language limitations, the huge lack of direction and the simple fact that I am in an unknown land (How to properly behave? What I am suppose to answer when someone asks a question? What if I decide turning left, and not right.. Will I be able to get back? Where will the road lead me to?) ... certainly helps explain why.

It all gives me a feeling of fragility, but it also makes me cherish for every single achievement, regardless of its importance and relevance. Found my way back home after 2 and not 3 prior trials? Win. Bought 2 wines, a can of beer AND even made the guy from the store open it up for me? Win. Made myself dinner and did not set fire to the house and burned all the furniture with the roomies inside? Great victory. What about the life changing moment when you go to bed and you now have pillows and a blanket, comparing the first 6 days, without them? Again, every single thing, regardless of its importance and relevance. (I don't know why, but Maslow's so-famous Hierarchy of Needs pyramid makes so much sense and fits perfectly well to what I have been going through!).

I can also relate the experience to be similar as if I went back into childhood. You know nothing, you have tons of questions that most of the time you can't find an answer right away, you are curious, you value small improvements in life because, during childhood, even the most insignificant ones do sound like great accomplishments, etc.
I do want to be a kid forever. Now tell me, is there any other way not to feel the power of time weighting on your shoulder rather than truly feeling like you are a child again?!

Other than the cultural shock, or whatever they call it (I prefer calling it cultural gift :P), the two-day orientation event organized by my university just blew me away. I met a lot of people, either with the same or completely different backgrounds from me. They are from Albania, Romania, Germany, Macedonia, Kenya, Poland, United States, Bulgaria, Equator, UK, and the list goes on. They all have traveled around, they all have stories to tell, something that you can learn from, something you will never forget. Couldn't have never, ever, asked for more.

And before I finish writing this post, a brief summary (redundancy, okay) on my first impressions about Milan: Never seen so many beautiful, classy, stylish and rich men and women, in such a "no-like-other" city, throughout this little of a time I have spent here so far. I am speechless, still, on how much it has all being above my expectations. What another amazing opportunity.

It is bed time. Classes start tomorrow. Very excited. Back to school. Back to my playground.

A 4 month vacation that lasted forever. Until now.

Tuesday, September 10th. At the airport, heading to Italy in a few minutes.
It may sound weird, but what I feel the most right now and during the past two or three weeks, despite all the excitement about the fact that my life is about to change once again, is relief. I am relieved to know I am leaving home. I am relieved these four months I had free are over.
To a certain extent, I knew I was going to go through this. It has happened before. I just did not know how hard it was going to hit me this time.
Looking back at it to try to briefly write down here how it all went, I remember having a great month and a half vacation, where I was happy to be back home and see everyone I missed while I was away. I went to eat at my favorite restaurants. I travelled around: From Sao Paulo to Rio de Janeiro, from Ubatuba to Campos do Jordao and Ilha Bela. I needed that time to relax. I had just graduated from college. I was done with a very important period of my life.
Well, after passing by those first weeks, I found myself in a profound, severe and endless state of mind wandering, preventing myself, then, from living the present, to only feel that agony of brainstorming with my own mind about some life uncertainties I have today. Yes, a little hard to explain, and perhaps even harder to relate to anything I can think of. There is a quote in my language, though, that says: "Mente vazia oficina do diabo," which I can assimilate to the "doing nothing is doing ill," in English. Fact is, I had absolutely nothing major to distract my mind, such as school or work; leaving plenty of room and time for me to think, over think, under think.. oh well, you name it. I had, in addition to that, a clear difficulty in dealing with my parents at home. After 4 years of independency and self-sufficiency, I have to admit I no longer know how to properly fit into the family environment. My parents haven't changed a bit since I was young, but I, in turn, have changed too much. And I am leaving today, after 4 months being back home, with the feeling that I was not able to adapt to them again. Makes me feel a little upset that things sometimes were not so peaceful among us, specially because I know it was not their fault. They are still the same. It is me, a new grown up Isa, that I am not so sure they know too much about.
In the meantime, and as a kind of self-defense tool, I came up with all sorts of activities I could do in order to keep the "bad thoughts" away. I tried watching movies. I spent endless hours reading books, articles and magazines. I watched the news on TV; all of them. I travelled to the beach whenever possible. I decided to take an Italian intensive course for a total of two months. I worked out a lot. Gym in the morning and park to run and lay down on the grass in the afternoon.
To say that it was not as bad as it is sounding like it was, I can at least state that I got to learn more about myself - how to handle my fears and preoccupations, the way I face the day-to-day problems, my behavior towards people I have close contact with, etc. I believe that if I try to summarize it all, I would say I have gained a whole new perspective on my personal life, coupled with more self-consciousness/awareness. I am also leaving my country 6kg (13 pounds) skinnier than compared to when I arrived (oh, America, look at what you did to me..!), definitely mastering a little more Italian and absolutely updated with the latest world news and events. See, nothing can be 100% negative in life. There are always something positive you can get out of it, no matter how impossible it might sound at the time.

Now, the reason I said I am relieved my 4 month vacation is over is because I literally hate doing nothing. I need to feel productive, I need to keep the mind busy. And gladly enough, it is all about to change tomorrow. I could not have been more excited. I am supposed to arrive in Malpensa Airport tomorrow around 3pm. Then, if everything goes right, a friend will be there to help me get to an office, which is 65km (40 miles) away, to finally sign my housing contract and grab my keys. After that, the next destination will be my apartment. Obviously, though, I have no clue how to get there or anything, but I think this is all part of the adventure. Other than that, I have a two-day orientation on the 17th and 18th, and official classes start on the 23th. And this is it. That is all I know will happen. After that, only being there for me to figure out how my new life will look like. I believe I cannot emphasize enough the importance I give to this "I have no idea what will happen next " in my life. I mean, how easy and boring would it be if we had everything already planned out? Plus, how much can you grow when you are out of your comfort zone or when you have to find out how to solve a problem or a certain situation by your own? At least this is how I like to think about.

On a final note, one big factor that makes me excited about going to study in Milan is that it came to mind that it will be so much harder and more intense this time!! In the sense that, even though all the experience I had by living on campus at RMU represented its challenges, it was not real life. It simply was not. I always felt like I was on a big country club, where I would see cop cars drive around every 5 minutes, I had food within walking distance and classrooms were 30 seconds far from my room. Now I am going to be living out there, in the middle of a big city, having to cook myself breakfast, lunch and dinner, catching the bus, metro and/or train to go to class, and everything else. Well, bring it on. I am so ready for it!

Oh, and on a second final note, I plan to write on my blog more often than before. According to the first post I wrote here, one of the reasons I decided to create a blog is because I want to get older and have something I can refer to and remember about my past, while also keeping my family and friends updated on whatever might me going on with me. Having said that, lets see if I can get used to write here every one or two weeks, so we can have a pretty good overview of these next two years of my life.

New place, new people, new culture, new environment. Milan, here I go.

End of college life. Time for some new adventures

Today is May 18th and I'm at the Pittsburgh International Airport, still waiting for my flight to Miami (the one I was supposed to get was cancelled, meaning that I'm not getting back home until tomorrow night..). But that is fine.

I haven't posted anything here in like forever, but that was another super busy school semester. Okay, here I am again, since I felt like I would better make an update to my blog before I forget the main things that happened since last time wrote in here.

Before mentioning anything else, I graduated from college! It is crazy to think that those apparently long and endless 4 years are already gone. Well, on top of everything, I am proud of it. I think I am the only one who can tell how much of a struggle and how challenging all these 4 years were for me. In a really good sense, though. I cannot tell how much I've learned and grown since I first came to RMU, in 2009, the many great friends I've made, the good people I met and the experiences I've been through along the way. Oh, I also have to mention the fact that playing tennis is no longer part of my life. This is sort of a big deal to me. After 13 or 14 years, not having to worry about practice, matches and work outs sounds kind of weird. Plus, this spring was the most demanding season I have ever had. Our team had around 23 matches to play and, in this sense, I could not be any happier that we are now over with it, just because by the end, I was more than sick of "having to play" and travel all the time. Anyway, these were by far the best 4 years of my life, and they will certainly be in my memory forever.

Other than proud, I feel a little sad as well. I was used to the life I had on campus and I enjoyed every single day that I was there, taking care of my stuff alone and the by way I wanted. At the same time, though, I am also glad. Glad to be done with college and really excited about what comes next. Urgh, too many feelings. My family came for graduation, and while we were in NYC, I secretly felt like hugging all of them, crying really hard for no specific reason, laughing by myself with my own thoughts, etc. Weird, but I have experienced something similar before. I believe this happens to me whenever big changes take place in my life. And even though it seems to be a big emotional period, it all feels good to me, in general. Feelings, especially a lot of them at the same time, make me simply feel alive and realize that I have anything but a boring and uneventful life.

As I often try to remind myself, the goal is to always seek for new and challenging experiences and to set myself goals that become progressively more difficult to achieve, so I can look back and be sure it was hard, it was scary, it was out of my comfort zone, it was demanding, but I still went out there and did it. And generally speaking, this is the way I feel about graduating right now.

I believe that it was with this same mindset that I decided to go to Italy for my Masters degree after being done with college. You know, after graduating, I could go back home, find a good job, work from 9am to 6pm and make enough money to spend it on whatever I wanted, and keep doing this for 5, 10, 20 years. Or I could choose to go out there, challenge myself into being accepted at an university in Europe, find out how all the application process works, decide which program would most benefit my long-term goals, buy my flight tickets, close my eyes and, go!

Having said that, here is the story about my next adventure: during my junior year, I started to think about what to do after college. Well, working was at the bottom of the list. I don't know what I wanna do for living yet, and I have always been afraid that once I get a real job, good and fun life would be kind of over (of course getting a real job shouldn't be that bad, but I keep thinking how many places and different experiences and blablabla that I still have to go through before finally settling down). Plus, I did not see myself living in the U.S. for much longer, and going back home right after graduation, in my mind, only meant going backwards in life. So then I came up with the idea of going to grad school somewhere in Europe where I could be able to learn a new language and continue to grasping the great benefits of living abroad.

When I got to my senior year, I did a bunch of research related to the lengh of each program, courses offered, reputation (name recognition), country, language and price. I ended up with only one university that I really wanted to go to, and other 2 or 3 that I would have been glad if they accepted me. Application processeses started. I remember spending only 2 to 3 hours applying for those 2 or 3 that I had decided to apply for, just because I am too lazy for this kind of stuff, not mentioning how annoying and boring it is to fill out those 84827472 questions and requirements and documents for each school. Now, to the one I had decided to go to...HA! That one took me a while, but well, it had to work out. After a month and a half dedicating considerable amount of time on answering personal questions, filling out paperwork, writing and rewriting motivational letters, getting recommendation letters from most of my professors (so I could choose the most appealing ones (haha)), and after making huge effort to find out how to get and send the documents they needed from me, I clicked on "submit my application profile" through their website. I was glad to know I had tried my best and thought to myself "okay, I did my job, now life goes on. Stop thinking about it and focus on the rest." Well, of course that didn't happened.

The lady from the International Office I used to talk to throughout the application period told me that I was gonna have an answer within no more than 3 months. That was painful! I was like "it is a maximum of 3 months, so every day, from November (when I submitted my application) until the end of February, can be a valid day for them to tell me if I was accepted or not..lol. Soo, yes, I did spend the next 3 months checking my emails pretty much every 10 minutes a day (judging myself as a big retard during that time), until I woke up one Wednesday morning, mid-February, to finally get that God damn email I was waiting for so long. I cried. What a great relief. My very first thought was something like " Damn girl, youre such a lucky motherfucker, holy shit, I'm happy as fuck and now I do have an answer for all those old people asking me " what are you going to do after college, my darling?!" Haha. At the same time, I was overwhelmed by the fact that I had just being accepted into a great school in a place that have always wanted to stay, and how priviledged I was for being one of the 50 lucky students to be accepted, out of who knows how many applicants, from all over the world, were also trying to get a spot. Second thought was to make sure it was not too early to call my parents to tell them about the news and let them know that Isabella was going to be away from home for at least two more years. Well, I remember spending the rest of my day and the other days of the week only thinking of how fun going to Italy would be, the places I am going to have the chance to visit in Europe, the new people I am going to meet, the new challenges I am going to face, and so on.

I am pretty sure each person has its own beliefs, rules, secrets, carmas, etc., to succeed in all different aspects of life. As I see it, if there is one thing I believe is the key to achieving whatever you want, is to actually figure out what is it that you want so badly in the future. Once you have figured it out, to me it is only a very simple matter of Idea -> Planning -> Execution -> BOOM, Results. My mom loves telling me that sometimes things don't happen the way we want them to happen or even that failing is okay and should be accepted by all of us. I agree with that, but so far in my life, most of the decisions I made happened exacty the way I had first planned, and if for some reason things were going wrong, I woud keep trying and trying and trying until I would get the results I had expected in the first place. It is only a matter of hard work, effort, patience and time.

Alright, I haven't finished this post yesterday, so today is the 19th and I am finally on the airplane on my way back to Brazil. I guess I haven't had enough time to think about what exacty I'm going to do while I am down there, but as of now, I have to finish a research project that have been working on this semester for one of my classes, then my boyfriend heads down for a couple weeks (I guess that will be the only time I will have to enjoy my summer break), then as soon as he goes back, the focus will be to get myself ready to go to Italy. Consulate appointments, passport validation, solving other bureaucacries from the university, finding a place to live, and taking as many Italian lessons as possible are all yet to be done. On a side, enjoying my family and friends, eating healthy and exercising on a daily basis, pushing myself to learn about things and keep myself informed on what is going on around the world are all part of the plan for this break until September. I am pretty sure all that will make me busy enough until I get to travel, but in case I get bored, I might sit down and write another post telling how my summer break is going!

Alright, that is all for now. Lunch is coming. 6 hours left. Great times ahead.

Isa

A lovely post

17/02/2013, midnight. Back from our trip to Indiana. Our team was supposed to get back to campus around 9pm, if another two big trucks hadn't hit us on the way. It was scary. I was laid down listening to my Ipod when I felt all the impact and thought something more serious was gonna happen. Fortunately not. No one got hurt or anything, except by the fact that it took forever for the cops to show up and for another bus to get us a ride back home. Apparently, that screwed up the plans of half of us to go out tonight, like in my case. I was soo excited that we were going to get back fairly early for the first time and go out with the boy I've been hanging out with and some other friends. Well, too late. The guy is not around anymore, and I just don't feel like doing anything else. I am now in my room, writing this post, having a couple beers and thinking about some stuff.

Lately, I've been thinking about me and the relationships I've got myself into in the past. How I made my way through them, the way I reacted to them and the way they have changed me, in one way or another.

I don't actually like saying that, as I know some people have had the opposite experience and wished it had all been different with them, but here is how things were for me: Since way before high school, I was the different-smart-cool-pretty-funny-laid-back-athletic girl that all boys "liked." And I honestly never gave a single piece of fuck for that, and never did for a long time. To me, it simply had to be the right guy. He had to like me for the person I was inside, and not for what I appeared to be. Funny to remember. There wasn't hook ups. "What is the point of making out with someone and not talking/seeing him/her afterwards? What is the meaning of it? Why doing that at all??"... as I used to ask myself. This "philosophy" haven't actually changed a lot in my mind as I grew older. If you wanted to have something with me, you had to know it was gonna be a long battle until you proved me that I really, really meant something to you. And so here is how it would work out: I would find a guy extremely in love with me, and I would give him a chance. We would have the best time of our lives until he would do something that I did not appreciate and I was done with that person. Simple like that. No pity. No "oooh, he did that, buuuuuuut.." No. You made me feel a little upset. Good bye! haha. Such a stone heart, I know. But that was the way I reacted to any of my relationships. I guess only now, though, I recognize how two or even three guys who had been part of my life were important to me. Only now I can tell how much they have indirectly taught me, and how much they liked me/I liked them. Sometimes I wish I had been a little more patient or respectful to their feelings, but I also know that circumstances or "bad timing" didn't allow me to. They know that, and we hope the best for each other.

And I also know that the reason I can now see all that is because, today, I find myself in a situation that is completely the opposite of what I have always been used to.
I feel like I am the one "loving" the person while he is acting the way I have always done before. Not "recognizing"  how "valuable/special" I am as much as I would like him to. It secretly kills me. On one side, I try to understand the reasons why he acts in certain ways. No details on this part, but he is the way he is. Not his fault, but he unconsciously make me feel like I have not much control of the situation. 

Summarizing, even though I do try to grasp the little things he does/says that might, possibly, perhaps show that he cares a bit about me, in his own way (which makes my day, when he does so),  I can't tell one single rational factor that makes me attracted to him. Perhaps it is because this is a new experience for me, but as much as I want to adapt to it, deeply inside I am not satisfied. So many little/unimportant things he does (pretty sure without him even being aware of, so I don't blame him for that) that falls behind my expectations (and here is where I know it is my "mistake".. to often expect something more than a person could give me). So, why not simply walk away, as I would usually do, then? Still looking for an answer to this question. I miss the cold hearted Isa right now. I guess I just like him. He might have something else not quite clear to me yet that makes me unable to walk away.

You know, today, in my mind, to have a relationship with someone (a friend, a family member, the love of your life.. whatever kind of relationship it might be), being it "serious" or not, whether it had just started or not, means to have a person next to you who is kind enough to share some of his/her life with you; in the same way that you would be willing to include that person as part of your life story. What a huge opportunity to learn the way he/she thinks about a certain subject. What a pleasant time you have to tell this person how your day went, what you think of doing tomorrow, next week, next year or two or ten, while knowing that the other person is equally interested in knowing all this about you as well. How great is it to have someone to share your best and worst qualities with? How interesting is it to learn about the other person's music preferences, favorite hobbies and meals and books and movies and travels and stories?! I can personally tell that some people are just "scared/unwilling/unlikely to feel vulnerable when sharing his/her life experiences with someone else. I am a great example of that. After a couple years, though, I noticed that I now have a different mindset in regards to this subject matter. The way I see it, today, sharing your life with a loved one is one big factor that brings us happiness. Perhaps finding that person is where the challenge lays on.

I just see it all in a much deeper context I think. I believe people can benefit a lot from the relationship(s) they are in, though some of them don't see anything beyond sex and kisses and hugs. I´m definitely not saying that these aren't important, I am saying that relationships can work as a source of very deep connections with other individuals. Connections that are so profound that many of us haven't been capable of experiencing yet.

I do feel like it is now time for me not to end up teaching others on "how to become that person everyone would like to marry."Instead, I want to find someone that takes MY breath away when he is looking at me while talking about whatever it is that he wants to talk to, and then thinking to myself: "I have so much to learn from this guy, and I know I can become a much better person if I am lucky enough to stay more time with him."

It is getting late now but, before I leave, I am going to write a short sentence I read in a book a couple days ago. It says "We met for a reason. Either you are a blessing or a lesson." Well, as far as the blessing hasn't quite happened yet (if we take the exact meaning of the word), I will gladly take the lesson part of it, and still be thankful for the chance I was given to improve myself, to adapt to situations that are out of my comfort zone and to make better decisions in the future.

Nighty night,

Isa

Florida trip

Hey, here I am again. When I was writing my last post, I planned to write this one right after getting back from Florida. Turns out, though, that today is January 14th, and it only took me 3 posts not to keep updating my blog as often as I wanted to! Well, I am still here, so I hope I don't give up on it that soon.

Anyway. Christmas break could not have been better. I spent a couple days at my brother's school in Jacksonville until my cousin Yuri, who goes to school in Iowa, came to see us. We then bought our Mega Bus tickets to go to Orlando (13 dollars each, and this is only because we bought them the night before, otherwise they would have been even cheaper. Gotta love America!), where my parents would arrive, on the 28th. We left on the 26th and stayed at a friend's house. Stephanie and her mom met Stefano when they were in the process of coming to the U.S for college, and they have been really good friends since then. Her mom, Sonize, also got to meet me and my family in Brazil, and we went out for dinner by the end of the summer break once or twice. After arriving in Florida, they took us to visit Disney Downtown at night and, on the 27th, we spent the day shopping and talking about absolutely everything until late at night. Sonize made us dinner, and from around 8pm to 2:30am, we talked about our lives and how much it has changed after coming here, our plans for the future, fears, and much much more. If there is one thing I love is to have these kinda conversation with people, no matter who they might be. It makes me get situated with myself. I makes me listen to other's stories and opinions and learn tons of things from them.

Next day, me, my brother and Yuri had to wake up really early and call a taxi for us to get to the airport, where my parents would be arriving, at 8:30am. I was very excited, but maybe more anxious about their safe arrival (I know it may sound stupid, but I think I will hate airplanes until the last day of my life). After waiting a good amount of time at the airport, I remember seeing their little faces from far, far away. What a great feeling! Life turns from great to absolutely wonderful in just like 5 seconds. Awesome. Family was reunited again. My parents spent 9 days with us (a surprise, since their job hardly allows them to be away for this long), and the plan was to go to Stephanie's place to say hello to them and have a little breakfast, drive up all the way back to Jacksonville (for two days) so they could get to visit my brother's school and city, then go to Miami and, lastly, all the way down to Key West. The trip was perfect. My dad is always the one who plans the entire trip when we are traveling together. It is so funny. It goes all the way from renting the car to learning the history of the places that we are going to pass by, to the best and most affordable hotels to stay at, to what kinds of places and restaurants are worth stopping by, and so on. I know there is a reason for him to act this way, though. I guess the first time my dad traveled abroad was when I was 11, when my family and a couple friends went to Disneyland, in Orlando, hahah! Having said that, traveling is, to him, a big event, so he obviously wants to make sure everything goes right and also that the moment we are together is as good as it can be. You know, since I came here to go to college, things at home have changed a bit. My brother stayed in the country and started school there, but last year he suddenly decided he wanted to finish it in the U.S as well. His good grades and English tests allowed him to have a great scholarship opportunity, so he did not waste it. Since August, 2012, then, there is only mom and dad at home. As soon as my brother left home, I got reaaally worried about those two! Our family has always been close to each other, and, in my mind, I started to think that boredom, sadness and that feeling of emptiness were going to take place in their hearts. According to them, though, they are happy that we are both here and successfully going through this whole different experience. They might say that just so I don't get worried about them, but I truly hope they have been managing the change well and even giving more attention to each other, which they always have, since they got married, 25 or more years ago.

For new year's day, we drove down to Orlando to meet up with the two ladies again, and by around 11am, right on December 31th, we all had no clue where to go to celebrate it! It turned out that someone mentioned driving a couple miles to Celebration City, a small and pretty place where people usually spend the last day of the year. After getting there, we had dinner, grabbed some coffee (I was glad I had a cup of coffee in hands to celebrate it. Coffee certainly had not been my drink of choice for celebrations of any kind for a little while), enjoyed the live music and walked around until the fireworks started. I remember saying "yaaay, happy new yeaaaar" to everyone, while feeling that explosion of happiness and well-being. I have become so conscious of how difficult it is for the family to be together and how much my parents value it that, now, those few minutes make it all worth it. I felt so blessed when I was there, laughing and hugging them, and still am, for knowing, more than ever before, how important we are to each other. This is absolutely one of the things I would not have realized if I had stayed at home all this time. To appreciate the family I have, and to see how essential I am to each of them and vice versa.

On January 1st, we arrived at Key West. Wonderful place. The only way to get there by car is to drive through a long bridge on the water, and the view is crazy. The city itself is not any different and, if that was not enough, when we got to our hotel, the lady said "you guys happened to get an upgrade on the room you guys were supposed to stay because of the new years holiday," and so we simply stayed pretty much at a comfy house facing the ocean. Not bad at aaaalll!

Me and the guys went on a two-hour jet ski ride to see the city through the sea. My dad said I have done it before when I was young, but I don't remember, so, to me, it was the first time I was driving one. My thought about it? Jet skis are such a fun and dangerous toys! 45 miles an hour on the water made me love it, even though I was like "maaaan, if I do any shit wrong, I am dead!! hahaha." Great views, great time, awesome experience. Still alive. :)

Okay, I don't actually feel like writing anymore.
After Key West, we went up to Miami, then back to Orlando. Time to say goodbye to mommy and daddy, ouhhnn =/ haha. After that, me, brother and cousin got back to Jacksonville, where we were finally going back to our schools. I got to RMU last Tuesday (the 8th), and have been trying to enjoy it as much as possible.

So many thoughts and feelings about the fact that I am graduating in May (I might write about this topic next time). Wow! These 4 years honestly took a long time to pass by, but once you actually get to the last year, then last semester, and similarly to the last month, week, etc., you do think: "Mama miaaa, time fliesss!! It all went so fast!!" haha. I so want to stay! I love this place, I love the life I have here. It will be sad to leave. It will be great to leave, sit down on the couch, and look back to the best 4 years of my life.

zZZzzzzZzzZzzZZ

Good night!

Isa