17/02/2013, midnight. Back from our trip to Indiana. Our team was supposed to get back to campus around 9pm, if another two big trucks hadn't hit us on the way. It was scary. I was laid down listening to my Ipod when I felt all the impact and thought something more serious was gonna happen. Fortunately not. No one got hurt or anything, except by the fact that it took forever for the cops to show up and for another bus to get us a ride back home. Apparently, that screwed up the plans of half of us to go out tonight, like in my case. I was soo excited that we were going to get back fairly early for the first time and go out with the boy I've been hanging out with and some other friends. Well, too late. The guy is not around anymore, and I just don't feel like doing anything else. I am now in my room, writing this post, having a couple beers and thinking about some stuff.
Lately, I've been thinking about me and the relationships I've got myself into in the past. How I made my way through them, the way I reacted to them and the way they have changed me, in one way or another.
I don't actually like saying that, as I know some people have had the opposite experience and wished it had all been different with them, but here is how things were for me: Since way before high school, I was the different-smart-cool-pretty-funny-laid-back-athletic girl that all boys "liked." And I honestly never gave a single piece of fuck for that, and never did for a long time. To me, it simply had to be the right guy. He had to like me for the person I was inside, and not for what I appeared to be. Funny to remember. There wasn't hook ups. "What is the point of making out with someone and not talking/seeing him/her afterwards? What is the meaning of it? Why doing that at all??"... as I used to ask myself. This "philosophy" haven't actually changed a lot in my mind as I grew older. If you wanted to have something with me, you had to know it was gonna be a long battle until you proved me that I really, really meant something to you. And so here is how it would work out: I would find a guy extremely in love with me, and I would give him a chance. We would have the best time of our lives until he would do something that I did not appreciate and I was done with that person. Simple like that. No pity. No "oooh, he did that, buuuuuuut.." No. You made me feel a little upset. Good bye! haha. Such a stone heart, I know. But that was the way I reacted to any of my relationships. I guess only now, though, I recognize how two or even three guys who had been part of my life were important to me. Only now I can tell how much they have indirectly taught me, and how much they liked me/I liked them. Sometimes I wish I had been a little more patient or respectful to their feelings, but I also know that circumstances or "bad timing" didn't allow me to. They know that, and we hope the best for each other.
And I also know that the reason I can now see all that is because, today, I find myself in a situation that is completely the opposite of what I have always been used to.
I feel like I am the one "loving" the person while he is acting the way I have always done before. Not "recognizing" how "valuable/special" I am as much as I would like him to. It secretly kills me. On one side, I try to understand the reasons why he acts in certain ways. No details on this part, but he is the way he is. Not his fault, but he unconsciously make me feel like I have not much control of the situation.
Summarizing, even though I do try to grasp the little things he does/says that might, possibly, perhaps show that he cares a bit about me, in his own way (which makes my day, when he does so), I can't tell one single rational factor that makes me attracted to him. Perhaps it is because this is a new experience for me, but as much as I want to adapt to it, deeply inside I am not satisfied. So many little/unimportant things he does (pretty sure without him even being aware of, so I don't blame him for that) that falls behind my expectations (and here is where I know it is my "mistake".. to often expect something more than a person could give me). So, why not simply walk away, as I would usually do, then? Still looking for an answer to this question. I miss the cold hearted Isa right now. I guess I just like him. He might have something else not quite clear to me yet that makes me unable to walk away.
You know, today, in my mind, to have a relationship with someone (a friend, a family member, the love of your life.. whatever kind of relationship it might be), being it "serious" or not, whether it had just started or not, means to have a person next to you who is kind enough to share some of his/her life with you; in the same way that you would be willing to include that person as part of your life story. What a huge opportunity to learn the way he/she thinks about a certain subject. What a pleasant time you have to tell this person how your day went, what you think of doing tomorrow, next week, next year or two or ten, while knowing that the other person is equally interested in knowing all this about you as well. How great is it to have someone to share your best and worst qualities with? How interesting is it to learn about the other person's music preferences, favorite hobbies and meals and books and movies and travels and stories?! I can personally tell that some people are just "scared/unwilling/unlikely to feel vulnerable when sharing his/her life experiences with someone else. I am a great example of that. After a couple years, though, I noticed that I now have a different mindset in regards to this subject matter. The way I see it, today, sharing your life with a loved one is one big factor that brings us happiness. Perhaps finding that person is where the challenge lays on.
I just see it all in a much deeper context I think. I believe people can benefit a lot from the relationship(s) they are in, though some of them don't see anything beyond sex and kisses and hugs. I´m definitely not saying that these aren't important, I am saying that relationships can work as a source of very deep connections with other individuals. Connections that are so profound that many of us haven't been capable of experiencing yet.
I do feel like it is now time for me not to end up teaching others on "how to become that person everyone would like to marry."Instead, I want to find someone that takes MY breath away when he is looking at me while talking about whatever it is that he wants to talk to, and then thinking to myself: "I have so much to learn from this guy, and I know I can become a much better person if I am lucky enough to stay more time with him."
It is getting late now but, before I leave, I am going to write a short sentence I read in a book a couple days ago. It says "We met for a reason. Either you are a blessing or a lesson." Well, as far as the blessing hasn't quite happened yet (if we take the exact meaning of the word), I will gladly take the lesson part of it, and still be thankful for the chance I was given to improve myself, to adapt to situations that are out of my comfort zone and to make better decisions in the future.
Nighty night,
Isa
